"Twenty-Five Ways to Die"

A coworker of mine is a big fan of Train, the group behind “Drops of Jupiter” and “Hey, Soul Sister”. While their tunes are generally quite catchy (featuring the impressive tenor of Pat Monahan), we both freely admit that their lyrics are often less than stellar, sometimes bordering on nonsensical.

A few months later the song “Dumb Ways to Die” made its way around the internet, and I got an idea…

If you’re on a slow internet connection, you might want to download the audio instead.

50 Ways to Say Goodbye” is a prime example of Train catchiness married with ridiculous lyrics: rather than admit that his girlfriend broke up with him, he decides to tell people she died instead.1 The line that stuck out to me, though, was

got run over by a crappy purple Scion

and wouldn’t it be hilarious to replace “Scion” with “Cylon”?


My heart is paralyzed
My head was oversized
I’ll take the high road like I should.
You said it’s meant to be,
that it’s not you, it’s me
You’re leaving now for my own good,
That’s cool, but if my friends ask where you are
I’m gonna say:

(Chorus)
She went down in an X-wing
Shot and Terminated
Eaten by a T-Rex, got assimilated
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbye
She was caught and infested
The First Law was tested
Tried to escape the Predator but she was bested
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
And ways to say you died!

My pride still feels the sting
You were my everything
Someday I’ll find a love like yours (a love like yours)
I’m not some dumb machine
Not just more soylent green
how could you leave on May the Fourth?
That’s cool, but if my friends ask where you are
I’m gonna say

(Chorus)
She was caught by an Angel
Shrunk to a micron
Eviscerated by a mad and deadly Cylon
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbye
She contracted Andromeda
fell through a stargate
Chased by xenomorphs, “I can’t do that, Dave”
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
So many ways to die.

I wanna live a thousand lives with you
I wanna be your Han, your Mal, your Doctor too, your love
But you don’t want to
That’s cool, but if my friends ask where you are
I’m gonna say
That’s cool, but if my friends ask where you are
I’m gonna say

(Chorus)
She went down for the bypass
Crushed by Godzilla
Taken as a pet by an intelligent gorilla
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbye
She was attacked by Reavers
A replicant deceived her
She told me that she loved me; I believed her
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies

She got trapped down in Limbo
Eaten by a zombie
Sucked out into vacuum by a hull breach
Help me, help me, I’m no good at goodbye
She got lost in the Matrix
Possessed by a demon
Cancelled production after only one season.
Help me, help me, I’m all out of lies
I’ve been watching too much sci-fi.

One point for each reference you recognize!

  1. In eleven different ways, not fifty. ↩︎

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