my mouth is slightly faster than my brain
You know how sometimes something just pops out of your mouth that surprises even you? Perhaps it’s a dirty joke. A snide comment. A pun. Perhaps it’s the sort of thing you would have said anyway; perhaps not.
That’s my entire life.
It started simply. I’d be in a casual conversation, my mind would wander, and then I’d realize the topic had jumped. I put it down to bad habits and impoliteness until I realized that no one ever called me on it. My mouth was able to function on autopilot, hold up my end of the conversation, without my brain needing to be involved. Or at least until it was ready to pick it up again.
Once I noticed that, it got a lot worse. I’d still have times when my mouth went on autopilot, but I began to realize with a sort of slow creeping horror that it didn’t matter if my mind was wandering or not. I could listen to words coming out of my mouth, fully following the conversation, and yet have no idea where they were coming from. It felt like I was watching myself on TV. If I gave it my full attention, I’d be back in control, but just making small talk was no longer an option.
The most shocking experience was when I started a conversation without knowing it. I was standing near a friend at a party—okay, I may have had a bit of a crush on them—and then suddenly I’d called them over, asked how things were going, got shown pictures of their new dog. I was as much as ten seconds behind before I was even aware of what was happening.
These days my…disorder…has pretty much completely taken over. Conversations start without warning, and my mind scurries to figure out what my mouth is going to say. Nothing damaging, nothing embarrassing, I’m always hoping. And for the most part it’s fine! It’s what I would have said anyway. But without self-determination, without the cause-and-effect of it, it’s a horrendous experience.
These days writing is my only refuge. In text I can communicate my thoughts as I have them, not drawn out of me unwillingly like a spool of thread. I can decide not to say something.
And I can decide when to stop.
In addition to the title, Evan added this description:
Usually you think of something, then you say it out loud. However imagine you have a magical mouth, that says stuff 10 seconds before you’d even thought about it. What poem would such a person write?
That’s still an interesting question! Maybe I’ll come back to it at some point.
Bonus haiku:
Just for once I wish
I could turn and not find you
Mouthing off again
*rimshot*
Part of Poem-a-Day 2015. Title donated by Evan P.